Dating Will Vandom
by Mme.Lolabelle
Summary: Phobos kindly shares his wisdom regarding a certain guardian and dating. WillxPhobos.


**This has been lying around on my computer for awhile now, so I decided to post it. Not my best work ever, but hey. I tried to make it light hearted, because, let's face it, most WillxPhobos fics are really, really depressing and dark. Hooray for trying something new! XD** **Brief warning, this fic involves talking coffee machines. Nuff' said.**

_1) Her friends are the most annoying creatures in existence. A certain telepathic fire guardian has the irritating habit of announcing _out loud _when you're fantasizing about Will, regardless of who's listening._

Will was in the shower, forcing her boyfriend, Phobos and her two friends Taranee and Irma to spend time alone together, to the eternal annoyance of the former prince, who was attempting to read and the guardians, who kept exchanging glances and rolling their eyes.

"God, Phobos, don't you have anything better to do?" Taranee moaned, glancing over at him from her spot on the sofa. Phobos glanced up from his book and raised an eyebrow.

"What?"

"Can you please wait until I leave before you start day dreaming about your sex life?" Phobos scowled and contemplated throwing the book in his hands at Taranee's head. "There's a very simple solution to that problem, guardian, stay the hell out of my mind."

"Yes, because I listen in on your r-rated thoughts purely out of choice, I'm so sure," Taranee snapped, rubbing her temples, "I never wanted to see Will naked."

"Really," Phobos replied waspishly, "I thought you liked women, you know, since you're so rarely with any men. You and Irma look quite friendly…"

"Very original." Irma muttered. A flash of red appeared in Taranee's eyes.

"Will! Phobos wants to know if he can join you!"

"Taranee!" Irma moaned, "too much information!"

_2) Will has pets. Two tabby cats, (Minnie and Skylar) and one dog, a Pomeranian called Morgan, who is really nothing more than a glorified rat. These animals don't care if they trample, break, or pee over your precious plants and there's nothing you can do about it, because Will loves those demonic balls of fluff like they're her children._

Phobos' eyes narrowed. This was perhaps the most hatred he had ever felt for another creature. His hands curled into fists, and the temptation to use his powers to destroy the beast in front of him was almost overwhelming. "My roses," he spat out, glaring at the scattered petals and broken stems.

Minnie yawned and looked at him with her twinkling amber eyes, completely unconcerned about the damage that she had caused.

"What's wrong?" Will asked as she walked out into the garden, noting the stiff set of her lover's shoulders. Phobos turned to her, "That monstrosity," he said, gesturing to the offending feline, "killed my roses!" Will smiled, putting her arms around Phobos' waist, "Minnie didn't mean to," she told him, kissing the bottom of his jaw. The tabby wandered over to where the couple stood, and wrapped herself around Will's legs. She was soon joined by the second cat, Skylar. Both of them glared up at Phobos, who could almost hear them laughing at him. _Next time, you little monsters_, Phobos promised, _revenge _will_ be mine…_

_3) None of Will's ex-boyfriends have gotten over her._ None of them_. They will do anything to a) humiliate you and b) impress her. If you happen to be the most feared sorcerer of modern times, this isn't annoying, it is merely very, very entertaining._

Will grinned at Phobos and gave him a quick kiss. "Thanks, I needed that," she told him as they exited the restaurant. Phobos smiled down at her and dropped his coat over Will's shoulders as the night air hit them, "No problem." As they turned towards the car park Will stopped and stammered, "Is that Matt?" Phobos briefly looked in the direction she indicated, "I think so, did you not see him in the restaurant?"

"No," Will admitted sheepishly, "I was too busy staring at you." Phobos grinned, stupid earthling:0 intelligent and drop dead gorgeous former prince:2. "Um, Phobos?" Will asked, breaking into Phobos' mental happy dance, "Is it just me, or does Matt have tentacles?"

"Of course not, sweetheart, it's just a trick of the light."

"Phobos…"

_4) The strange household appliances that you have no idea how to use (because you don't come from this God forsaken world) talk back and find it infinitely amusing when you can't make sense of their numerous buttons. Apparently, computers are expensive, so don't through them out the window if you can't find the 'on' switch. You will have to pay for a new one._

Sighing with exasperation, Will poked the charred remains of her microwave. She had managed to put out most of the small fires that erupted, but a cloud of smoke still hung in the air. Walking over to where Phobos sat, Will shook her head at him, "You're not supposed to put metal into the microwave."

"Sorry."

"Sorry!" The coffee machine screeched, " You murdered Dora, you villain!" Phobos looked up at Will with a confused expression, "Dora was the microwave's name," she explained, "She and Hubert (that's the coffee machine, by the way) wanted to adopt a small toaster."

"Why?"

"Well, how else were we supposed to have kids?" Hubert snorted.

_5) It's all fair and good to be proud of your new car (and the fact that you can actually drive it) but every so often a psychopath decides that he wants to kill Will, and your brand new car is his weapon of choice. Will survives, the car doesn't._

"Phobos, darling, its okay," Will soothed, pulling him into her arms and stroking his hair. Burying his head in her shoulder, Phobos shook his head and mumbled something intelligible. "There, there, it's alright," Will told him.

"My-my car…" _Men and their bloody cars_, Will fumed. Was Phobos actually _crying_?

_6) Will is ditzy. If you date her, it automatically becomes your responsibly to wake her up on time and make sure that she has everything with her and that she's knows where she's supposed to be and at what time. This is a full time job._

"Will," Phobos shook her shoulder gently, "you have to get up." In response, Will pulled the duvet up over head. "Come on, you need to get up," he urged, pulling the cover away from her face. Kissing her forehead, Phobos said, "You've slept enough, you have to get up." Opening one eye, Will surveyed her fully dressed boyfriend. "Morning," she yawned, smiling at the sight of him, "what time is it?"

"Nine o'clock, you need to get a move on," Phobos replied, pulling the covers off her. Placing one hand under her back, Phobos moved her into something resembling an upright position.

"Why?"

"Because you need to be at that Veterinary Seminar in fifteen minutes." Will jumped up immediately,

"WHAT!"

"You have to be at th-"

"Why didn't you wake me!?"

"Darling, I've been trying to do that for the past hour," Phobos replied, smirking slightly in amusement, watching as the red head raced round the room, attempting to get dressed.

"Shit, shit, shit!"

_7) Will is an exceptionally talented individual. But she can't cook, nor should she be allowed to attempt to unless you want a visit from the fire department._

Curled up on the sofa, Will and Phobos were watching a movie. Or rather, they were making out while _Jaws _played in the background. In one of their rare breaks for oxygen, Will stood up and said, "I'm hungry, do you want anything?" Sensing the immediate danger this presented, Phobos grabbed her wrists and pulled her back down beside him. "Why don't we order in?" he suggested, "my treat?"

_8) Every so often Will has to leave so that she can go save the universe. You may find yourself wishing that Oracle would take a couple of martial arts lessons, or use those god-like powers he's supposed to posses and save him own ass every once in awhile._

Phobos didn't look behind him as the portal opened. Instead, he carefully made his face into a neutral mask. As soon as she stepped through the portal Will threw herself at him, not even bothering to change out of her guardian form. "I'm so sorry." Surveying her anguished features, Phobos felt guilty for being angry. "I doesn't matter," he assured her.

"Lair," Will reproached, pulling back to look at his face, "it's your birthday, of course it matters, idiot." Reaching up, Will stroked his cheek. "So do you want your present?"

"I didn't want-"

"You're lying."

"I'm not."

"There you go again."

_9)Will cannot even begin to comprehend how beautiful she is. It will take an amazing amount of coaxing to get her to wear something that looks vaguely feminine. Having said that, she will steal you shirts, and look better in them than you do._

Phobos walked into the living room, where Will was hovering in a pair of old denim jeans, a white shirt that obviously didn't belong to her and she wore a green bandana on her head to keep her hair out of her face. When she saw him, Will smiled, her eyes lightening up with joy that he had never been able to fully understand. Why should she look so damned happy to see him? Without thinking, Phobos walked over to the plug and pulled out the power cord.

"Hey! What are you doing?" Phobos didn't answer and just walked over and pulling her towards him, pressed his lips to hers. Catching his mood, Will abandoned the vacuum nozzle and wrapped her arms around his neck and pressed herself as close to him as she could, losing her hands in his hair. When his lips moved to her neck, Will asked, "What's all this in aid of?"

"You stole my shirt, again."

"And that's a bad thing?"

"…Not exactly."

_10) Be warned, 85.2% of the time, you won't actually make it to a bed. Of course, that _could_ be my fault. _


End file.
